Dropping in with words or meaning.

Dear ____,

Just saying hello. I have more thoughts to spill unto you. Everyone is always talking about dying these days. Everyone sees it so final and terrible and maybe it is. And, the fact of the matter is there is a lot of death in the world today. It can be quite sad. Death is sad. But what makes me mad is the fact everyone takes so much time to tell someone they'd die for them. Sometimes, it doesn't even take a person that long to say it. I know I've said it. I used to think it meant a certain thing. I thought it meant you'd do anything for someone. It kind of does. But, maybe I knew what I was saying all along. For someone like me, who has seen death, faced it, and me, who has seen many terrible things and heard many sad stories, for me, I see everything from a different point of veiw. To me, death is easy. An escape. Death is how to run away because life is different. Life is so much harder than death. To say we would die for someone is so easy because we may mean it, but it in it's directed use, is meaningless. In life, there are things worse than death. There is death a thousand times over when you live. There are many things I would die for. More than the average person. But me, there is only one thing I would live for. And it's you. I am alive now, because I haven't yet felt the need to die for a purpose. I had my purpose to live and being so alive scared me and I let it slip. I think what I have been meaning to say, after all this time, is that I'm sorry. I know it wasn't you. I'm sorry and I'm so sorry and I will be forever. I am asking what I have been hoping for. I am asking for you. For my second chance. A big chance. Maybe not to start over but to fix things. A second chance to have a real reason to go through all this everyday. Until then, only my endless and pathetic hope will keep me here. And the fact that I have surrounded myself with the most amazing people in the world. I may slip up here and there and be with people not so amazing, but those people that stick with me, who've been there, will keep me until I find what I am looking for.

Forever sorry,
Emily

Death in the Bermuda Triangle.

Sometimes, I will take the time to pay attention to my parents and then maybe, just maybe, listen to the shit that spills from their rotten mouths. I find it so horrible they way they look at each other with hate and a painful amount of desperation. How could anyone live like that and not have tried to stuff a grenade up their own ass? The things they say to me and how they purposely try to make me mad. I want to vomit up every horrible moment of this life so I can forget it and maybe have a chance. I want a chance to not know who they are so that maybe I won't turn out to be exactly like them. But, I know I can't do such a thing. Which is why I tell people I am never going to get married, never going to have children, and am going to die in my 20's so I won't ever have to become like them entirely. People think I am twisted and a freak and they are right. I am demented. I don't want to get married and hate the person I'm with but stay with them for my druggie son and fucked up daughters sake and end up making every mistake I tried so hard to avoid. Fuck that. I'm out.