Monday, December 24, 2007
Happy Holidays to all in celebration. I love this time. Brother running away, parents fighting, debt, whores, mistakes, and unhappiness. Christmas spirit right? The only thing I love about this time, is...well not a lot really. I guess I like the commercials. They're not too bad. I just wish time wasn't so quick when you get older. It makes everything less magical. I'd still like to believe in it. I'm not ready to let go.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
So I finally get what those people are talking about when they do something stupid just because they can control it unlike everything else in their lives. I didn't even realize I was one of those poeple until a while ago. But, that does make me like most people. Almost no one realizes what they do or who they are. Not really anyways. In a way it's a very hopeless feeling. It makes you try and stop time or stop the world from spinning or make it go backwards, kinda like super man. Sometimes, all I want to do it sit and listen to the sounds of the grass growing but I can't because it's winter and snow is everywhere. I really hate snow sometimes. It's too white and blinds you whenever you look at it. And it only stay beautiful right before dawn when no one is awake to ruin it with salt and sand and dirt and car tracks and imprints from boots. I can only look at it at night. Only when the moon is bright enough to make it glitter. Everything looks beautiful in bright moonlight. It's when the source of the moon's light shines that makes everything ugly and true.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Sometimes, I will take the time to pay attention to my parents and then maybe, just maybe, listen to the shit that spills from their rotten mouths. I find it so horrible they way they look at each other with hate and a painful amount of desperation. How could anyone live like that and not have tried to stuff a grenade up their own ass? The things they say to me and how they purposely try to make me mad. I want to vomit up every horrible moment of this life so I can forget it and maybe have a chance. I want a chance to not know who they are so that maybe I won't turn out to be exactly like them. But, I know I can't do such a thing. Which is why I tell people I am never going to get married, never going to have children, and am going to die in my 20's so I won't ever have to become like them entirely. People think I am twisted and a freak and they are right. I am demented. I don't want to get married and hate the person I'm with but stay with them for my druggie son and fucked up daughters sake and end up making every mistake I tried so hard to avoid. Fuck that. I'm out.