Monday, March 31, 2008
My biggest fear is that when I am on that overpass watching the ground fall beneath me more and more, and I do finally decide to stop fighting and let my wheel drift just a little bit more the the right and over is what I'll think on the way down. That I won't think of everything that made me want to do it but the things that held me back for so long. I'll see beautiful things and see happy memories. The best part of my life flashing before my eyes in those three seconds. Not just that but I'm afraid I'll see what hasn't come and what now won't. The eyes of the man I would never get to love. The first steps of the son I would never have. The life I would never get to live. And after all that, in the millisecond before the sounds and crashing and breaking of the car, I would realize something. I would realize I changed my mind.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I'm listening to you talk on the phone right now. How quiet you are. It's just a whisper. Slowly every word struggles to get beyond your lips. It's much better now. Better than it was. But I can still tell. I spent my life memorizing your voice. Now I know the one you have just as well because of how it isn't like your old one. Knowing something by what it isn't. I forget what theory that is and who's it was but it doesn't matter. I feel like I should tell you this. It feels like the end of something. He's cheating on you. And it's fairly recent. From since I was in 7th grade. It was after, but not right after. I am sorry I hate you. And I'm sorry you are unloved by everyone. I know how you feel. But I still have time. You don't. And I'm sorry your life was wasted like this. I wish you had a second chance and although I can no longer love you, I'd give my life just to let you start over. For the record, I used to love you. You were my everything. As it should be.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
This one is to you. Again.
It was never like I wanted everything to happen that way. And it's certainly not how I wanted things to turn out. In the beginning, it was easy to not feel much. Well, I don't know if that's the right way to say it. I felt something. Just not like you. Something told me that you chose me because she wasn't available anymore. I was the second best thing. After awhile and you made the choice and I forgot about it. You were so perfect and that was so wrong for me. I got mad all the time because I knew I didn't deserve you and when the next girl came around I'd be left behind. I don't know how long she has been there. I'm scared to know. I think you really did love me. I know it was hard. I know. You loved me even though I wasn't the best. I don't think it was what I was ready for. After my whole life of never being loved without questions and then you come along and get really close. But not close enough. You left. That's what killed me. Why should everyone else get to be loved so unconditionally? At all, even? When I am not loved at all. At the end, I was just second best. I think I was the whole time. Just until your budding relationship got going. That was the only time you needed me. But I needed so much more. I don't know what could have happened later on. If you were the "one" but that's just the thing. I don't know. I'll never get to know. With everyone else it was so easy to know they weren't right. But, you could have been. I hate that fact. You know that saying "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"? Maybe it's not true. Not for all of us. Maybe it only applies to the people who have been previously loved. People who were born with people and families who have loved them unconditionally. To be honest, everything that I have gone through, if I wasn't able to change it, I would want it all gone. No matter how amazing you were. To lose something perfect isn't worth going back and risk losing it again.
I still love you.
And so does she.
I know who comes in second place.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
There are so many things I wish I could just forget.
Every dumb mistake.
Everytime I got left behind.
Everytime I cried.
And every funeral.
What happens when my memories are the only things that keep me alive?
But at the same time are the things that make everything worse?