Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Breaking through the blue.

Maybe we can't all be looking for something amazing or profound. We can't search for organization in our lives and hope things will fall into place with the help of fate. Looking doesn't always guarantee finding as those of you know who have ever lost that left sock or the tickets to the homecoming game. The world may always seem like it's conspiring against us but really, it's just ourselves making every bad thing into a terrible thing. We conspire against ourselves because it's easier to explain how things are hard for us or how we failed if something is working against us. When we look for meaning or miracles or whatever it is, this is how we feel. Everything becomes smoke making it hard for us to see what we are looking for. Every time you try harder to see something, the smoke gets thicker. What we don't realize, is maybe the smoke is profound in itself and it's the worlds real signal to us. Everything against us, to realize it's there are run knowingly into it, that's profound and anyone willing to look for it, is just as amazing. Maybe everything I am writing means nothing and I think that's okay. A lot of things mean nothing like wire trash cans full of holes. But the truth is, sometimes, nothing is all I can handle. Sometimes it's all I want to handle. And if that makes me happy, why not?

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Last shot?

Dear ____,

Just for the record, it still hurts. Every time I think about you or what I should have done differently. I'm sorry that I screwed up and that I continually nag you. I love you. I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry I'd do anything to have you back but you were my best friend and you don't even care about me anymore. I'm just a hassle. I understand you want to be cautious but screw cautious! I'm not an idiot. You belong to her now. You are happy and I get it. I just want my friend back. I can feel that everything you say is just to pity me. Just stop. Just care. Maybe not like you used to but care. I'm sorry things ended how they did and I'm sorry you could care less and I'm sorry that you are you and everything. Help me.