Monday, June 29, 2009

If this is it, I want to say the right thing.

Here is my letter. Maybe someday, after things have long changed, you'll find it and read it and know that somethings don't change.

Love has been a tricky thing with me. I know what it is and I know what it isn't and yet I still haven't got a clue as to what the hell love is. I may not know everything and I doubt I ever will but I know somethings for sure. I know that love has not always been kind to me. I know that I haven't received as much as I should. I also know that I could be giving more. And the most important thing is that I love you. I've waited a long time for you to come around and when you did, it wasn't like I was falling in love. It was like like took me and shot me into the air and I kept going. When you left, it was like I had to fall back and the Earth's gravity sucked me back to the ground. It hurt. And I'm sure it always will. Some days it's the same as it was when you were first gone. Other days, I pretend not to care and I just feel like being destructive. But the days that hurt the most are when I think about you more than the other days. Like when I look at that cat or at that moon or even when I chew gum. I can't let go and I'm sorry for whatever burden that has ever put on you. No matter how hard I try, there is a hope that maybe, if you always know I'm here and how I feel, you'll realize while watching TV that you made a huge mistake and you want to come back. I know that won't happen. Two sides battle. Hope and eternal hopelessness. I'm the casualty. I just want to say that no one will love you like I do. But the real thing I want to say is that I never got the chance to say thank you. You changed my world by loving me like no one else would; like no one had the courage to. I hope with all my heart you can be really happy. You are the love of my life. This may change. I don't know. The important thing is that you made me want to stay around to find out.

Love always,

P.S. Thank you also for being my best friend. My very best friend. And for doing your very best to teach me things I wanted to know about like cars and about some things I didn't realize I wanted to know about like country music. Goodbye.