Maybe we can't all expect we will have a second chance.
Maybe we can't keep waiting for what we want.
Maybe we will never understand what we are doing here.
And maybe, we should all be allowed to change our minds.
In high school, everyone tells you that your life will begin in college. Why not now? They've got me so fooled. My life is here, now, at this moment. What am I waiting for? I can't seem to wait for something but the life I will have has started. It's all around me and filling me up. It's happening and I am sitting her cherishing a day of no school on account of extreme cold? There is so much in this world that I want. I'm so afraid I'll never have enough time and even if I did, there are things in the world I will never know, never be. Why am I sitting here wasting away like every average person. All my life I have been average and maybe that's not bad. But everything on the inside of me, is not average. Not one bit. I am a freak and I want the whole world to see it because I don't want to be safe anymore. I don't want to hide or sit back and wait for something that may never come. I will be the world. Not someday, not tomorrow, but now. Now and always.
I hate having so many secrets. It's tough when you are sitting around sharing your life with your friends and you have too many terrible secrets that you are just accustomed to it. Sometimes, I hold my secrets in for so long that when I let one slip, people are so shocked. And the fact that I tell them to people I don't really care about doesn't help. When you grow up with so many lies and so many things swept under the rug, it becomes a part of you. When I tell my secrets, there is no weight lifted or huge miraculous thing. I could care less. The real secrets I have will never be told. No one would ever be able to understand them. That's okay because when I feel obligated to share a secret equally as dark as one that has been shared with me, I have no trouble. The secrets I don't care if people know are dark, yes. But the secrets I keep to myself, the ones that have no start, no end, no story, nothing understandable, are the ones that will inevitably lead to my destruction. I wish my secrets could change my life but they can't.
I still love him
I miss my brother and I wish he would run farther away
I know that my friends are ready to leave me at any moment
I hate wearing socks but I've racked up hundreds on buying them
I'm the only one who knows about his affair
I've never been first at anything in my life
I'm scared a lot but I make everyone think I don't care
I cry all the time
I've planned my own death on many occasions, but I've always been too scared
I hate being nice when I fall in the shadow
I am not happy, and I never was
I feel like we are just in another fight and that you'll come back soon
I hate that nasty lotion you gave me
The only people that love me, see me once a year
I hate who I am and who I am becoming
I closed my eyes and I pretended it was you
I can't stop myself from lying
All those nasty secrets eat at me but I could care less. Telling them won't save me. Friends won't and family won't. I laugh when I write this because I may seem like one of the most unhappy, emotional, depressed, suicdal people on the planet. I'm not. If I have all the secrets and I lie all the time, I have to be able to see the truth in others and in the world. If your fucked up like me, you see shit like that. I don't think that's so fucked up.