HA! Secrets of my humor.

I hate having so many secrets. It's tough when you are sitting around sharing your life with your friends and you have too many terrible secrets that you are just accustomed to it. Sometimes, I hold my secrets in for so long that when I let one slip, people are so shocked. And the fact that I tell them to people I don't really care about doesn't help. When you grow up with so many lies and so many things swept under the rug, it becomes a part of you. When I tell my secrets, there is no weight lifted or huge miraculous thing. I could care less. The real secrets I have will never be told. No one would ever be able to understand them. That's okay because when I feel obligated to share a secret equally as dark as one that has been shared with me, I have no trouble. The secrets I don't care if people know are dark, yes. But the secrets I keep to myself, the ones that have no start, no end, no story, nothing understandable, are the ones that will inevitably lead to my destruction. I wish my secrets could change my life but they can't.

I still love him
I miss my brother and I wish he would run farther away
I know that my friends are ready to leave me at any moment
I hate wearing socks but I've racked up hundreds on buying them
I'm the only one who knows about his affair
I've never been first at anything in my life
I'm scared a lot but I make everyone think I don't care
I cry all the time
I've planned my own death on many occasions, but I've always been too scared
I hate being nice when I fall in the shadow
I am not happy, and I never was
I feel like we are just in another fight and that you'll come back soon
I hate that nasty lotion you gave me
The only people that love me, see me once a year
I hate who I am and who I am becoming
I closed my eyes and I pretended it was you
I can't stop myself from lying

All those nasty secrets eat at me but I could care less. Telling them won't save me. Friends won't and family won't. I laugh when I write this because I may seem like one of the most unhappy, emotional, depressed, suicdal people on the planet. I'm not. If I have all the secrets and I lie all the time, I have to be able to see the truth in others and in the world. If your fucked up like me, you see shit like that. I don't think that's so fucked up.